I Miss You & I Love You
I was crying all night because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. It’s been a year. A whole year Dad and I miss you so entirely much. Your passing, your funeral, everything… it just happened so utterly fast and I didn’t have time to process it. It didn’t feel real. Not until months ago when it final registered in my mind at work and I just broke down crying.
I don’t have my dad anymore.
I miss talking to you Dad. I miss calling you to hear your voice. I miss your crazy stories. I miss your humor. I miss your laugh Dad. I miss your swagga. I miss you telling me it’s going to be alright.
While, everyone called you because they needed something, I called you because I wanted to hear your voice. I need to be reassured you were okay. Instead you gave me mental support because you knew I hated my job. I needed that support. I needed to know I had, at least, one person who had my back. A person who genuinely believed in me and my talent. You had always offered to help me, but I turned you down because I didn’t know what I wanted. Now that you are gone I know what I want to do. Now, I really need your help… but you’re no longer here.
Sometimes I wonder who’s going to walk me down the isle. I know I’m not the first woman in history whose dad wasn’t there to walk her down the isle… and I won’t be the last. I just didn’t want to be the one.
Sometimes at night I pray that you will come visit me in my dreams and just have a conversation about your days leading up to you passing. I want to look into your eyes and you tell me why. I know you were holding on for and Todd to get to the hospital, but while your body was still warm you were already gone. I knew, looking at you, that you were gone. While your shell was there your soul was not.
I could not believe the day came that my father was no longer with me.
I remember as a little girl I would stay up all night for you to get home and end up falling asleep waiting. You would pick me up, carry me upstairs, and put me in bed. One of my most favorite memories.
I found out later that you felt so guilty about a lot of things in life. You were just so incredibly sad. Honestly, I cannot blame you. I wish I was able to tell you that I was not mad at you. I just wanted you to get better. I wanted my dad back. You can’t change the things you have done in your past, but you can modify yourself for the future. People who love you don’t care for your mistakes of the past. They only want the best for you future.
I remember going through the voicemail on my phone after you passed way. There was a message there from you I had never heard. It said, “Korin, I miss you and I love you.”
I remember when I told you that I love you too… you would say… “I love you more.”
Well, dad… I REALLY miss you… and I REALLY love you… and can honestly say… I love you more.
I only wish that you are happy. Also, you would LOVE the Jay-Z Kanye album, Watch the Throne.